Story by Tiffany Ngoc

American officials are confirming that Senator Julia Mann was shot while getting out of a car on her way to address a meeting at the Chicago Commodities Exchange. Police apprehended a lone shooter who had taken up position in a hotel room over-looking the entrance to the Exchange. The FBI had apparently received a tip that there might be an attempt on Senator Mann's life, and had convinced the Senator to wear a dense-but-flexible nanofilament undershirt which probably saved her life. "Her shoulder's broke," said Deputy Sheriff McCloskey, "But this fellow was throwing .50 calibre pomegranate shot. Without protection, the robots would be picking up their champion with a mop."

The shooter was apprehended almost immediately. A local reporter caught sight of him being hustled away by authorities and called to ask what had motivated the attack. In a line sure to become this summer's grim catchphrase, the would-be assassin drawled, "Well, I guess I must have malfunctioned."