"Such was the history of my beloved
cottagers. It impressed me deeply. I learned, from the views of
social life which it developed, to admire their virtues, and to
deprecate the vices of mankind.
"As yet I looked upon crime
as a distant evil; benevolence and generosity were ever present
before me, inciting within me a desire to become an actor in the
busy scene where so many admirable qualities were called forth and
displayed. But, in giving an account of the progress of my
intellect, I must not omit a circumstance which occurred in the
beginning of the month of August of the same year.
"One
night, during my accustomed visit to the neighbouring wood, where I
collected my own food, and brought home firing for my protectors, I
found on the ground a leathern portmanteau, containing several
articles of dress and some books. I eagerly seized the prize, and
returned with it to my hovel. Fortunately the books were written in
the language the elements of which I had acquired at the cottage;
they consisted of Paradise Lost, a volume of Plutarch's
Lives, and the Sorrows of Werter. The possession of these
treasures gave me extreme delight; I now continually studied and
exercised my mind upon these histories, whilst my friends were
employed in their ordinary occupations.
"I can hardly
describe to you the effect of these books. They produced in me an
infinity of new images and feelings that sometimes raised me to
ecstasy, but more frequently sunk me into the lowest dejection. In
the Sorrows of Werter, besides the interest of its simple and
affecting story, so many opinions are canvassed, and so many lights
thrown upon what had hitherto been to me obscure subjects, that I
found in it a never-ending source of speculation and astonishment.
The gentle and domestic manners it described, combined with lofty
sentiments and feelings, which had for their object something out of
self, accorded well with my experience among my protectors, and with
the wants which were for ever alive in my own bosom. But I thought
Werter himself a more divine being than I had ever beheld or
imagined; his character contained no pretension, but it sunk deep.
The disquisitions upon death and suicide were calculated to fill me
with wonder. I did not pretend to enter into the merits of the case,
yet I inclined towards the opinions of the hero, whose extinction I
wept, without precisely understanding it.
"As I read,
however, I applied much personally to my own feelings and condition.
I found myself similar, yet at the same time strangely unlike to the
beings concerning whom I read, and to whose conversation I was a
listener. I sympathised with, and partly understood them, but I was
unformed in mind; I was dependent on none and related to none. `The
path of my departure was free;' and there was none to lament my
annihilation. My person was hideous and my stature gigantic. What
did this mean? Who was I? What was I? Whence did I come? What was my
destination? These questions continually recurred, but I was unable
to solve them.
"The volume of Plutarch's Lives, which
I possessed, contained the histories of the first founders of the
ancient republics. This book had a far different effect upon me from
the Sorrows of Werter. I learned from Werter's imaginations
despondency and gloom: but Plutarch taught me high thoughts; he
elevated me above the wretched sphere of my own reflections to
admire and love the heroes of past ages. Many things I read
surpassed my understanding and experience. I had a very confused
knowledge of kingdoms, wide extents of country, mighty rivers, and
boundless seas. But I was perfectly unacquainted with towns, and
large assemblages of men. The cottage of my protectors had been the
only school in which I had studied human nature; but this book
developed new and mightier scenes of action. I read of men concerned
in public affairs, governing or massacring their species. I felt the
greatest ardour for virtue rise within me, and abhorrence for vice,
as far as I understood the signification of those terms, relative as
they were, as I applied them, to pleasure and pain alone. Induced by
these feelings, I was of course led to admire peaceable lawgivers,
Numa, Solon, and Lycurgus, in preference to Romulus and Theseus. The
patriarchal lives of my protectors caused these impressions to take
a firm hold on my mind; perhaps, if my first introduction to
humanity had been made by a young soldier, burning for glory and
slaughter, I should have been imbued with different sensations.
"But Paradise Lost excited different and far deeper
emotions. I read it, as I had read the other volumes which had
fallen into my hands, as a true history. It moved every feeling of
wonder and awe that the picture of an omnipotent God warring with
his creatures was capable of exciting. I often referred the several
situations, as their similarity struck me, to my own. Like Adam, I
was apparently united by no link to any other being in existence;
but his state was far different from mine in every other respect. He
had come forth from the hands of God a perfect creature, happy and
prosperous, guarded by the especial care of his Creator; he was
allowed to converse with, and acquire knowledge from, beings of a
superior nature: but I was wretched, helpless, and alone. Many times
I considered Satan as the fitter emblem of my condition; for often,
like him, when I viewed the bliss of my protectors, the bitter gall
of envy rose within me.
"Another circumstance strengthened
and confirmed these feelings. Soon after my arrival in the hovel, I
discovered some papers in the pocket of the dress which I had taken
from your laboratory. At first I had neglected them; but now that I
was able to decipher the characters in which they were written, I
began to study them with diligence. It was your journal of the four
months that preceded my creation. You minutely described in these
papers every step you took in the progress of your work; this
history was mingled with accounts of domestic occurrences. You,
doubtless, recollect these papers. Here they are. Everything is
related in them which bears reference to my accursed origin; the
whole detail of that series of disgusting circumstances which
produced it is set in view; the minutest description of my odious
and loathsome person is given, in language which painted your own
horrors and rendered mine indelible. I sickened as I read. `Hateful
day when I received life!' I exclaimed in agony. `Accursed creator!
Why did you form a monster so hideous that even _you_ turned from me
in disgust? God, in pity, made man beautiful and alluring, after his
own image; but my form is a filthy type of yours, more horrid even
from the very resemblance. Satan had his companions, fellow-devils,
to admire and encourage him; but I am solitary and abhorred.'
"These were the reflections of my hours of despondency and
solitude; but when I contemplated the virtues of the cottagers,
their amiable and benevolent dispositions, I persuaded myself that
when they should become acquainted with my admiration of their
virtues, they would compassionate me, and overlook my personal
deformity. Could they turn from their door one, however monstrous,
who solicited their compassion and friendship? I resolved, at least,
not to despair, but in every way to fit myself for an interview with
them which would decide my fate. I postponed this attempt for some
months longer; for the importance attached to its success inspired
me with a dread lest I should fail. Besides, I found that my
understanding improved so much with every day's experience that I
was unwilling to commence this undertaking until a few more months
should have added to my sagacity.
"Several changes, in the
meantime, took place in the cottage. The presence of Safie diffused
happiness among its inhabitants; and I also found that a greater
degree of plenty reigned there. Felix and Agatha spent more time in
amusement and conversation, and were assisted in their labours by
servants. They did not appear rich, but they were contented and
happy; their feelings were serene and peaceful, while mine became
every day more tumultuous. Increase of knowledge only discovered to
me more clearly what a wretched outcast I was. I cherished hope, it
is true; but it vanished when I beheld my person reflected in water,
or my shadow in the moonshine, even as that frail image and that
inconstant shade.
"I endeavoured to crush these fears, and
to fortify myself for the trial which in a few months I resolved to
undergo; and sometimes I allowed my thoughts, unchecked by reason,
to ramble in the fields of Paradise, and dared to fancy amiable and
lovely creatures sympathising with my feelings, and cheering my
gloom; their angelic countenances breathed smiles of consolation.
But it was all a dream; no Eve soothed my sorrows, nor shared my
thoughts; I was alone. I remembered Adam's supplication to his
Creator. But where was mine? He had abandoned me: and, in the
bitterness of my heart, I cursed him.
"Autumn passed thus. I
saw, with surprise and grief, the leaves decay and fall, and nature
again assume the barren and bleak appearance it had worn when I
first beheld the woods and the lovely moon. Yet I did not heed the
bleakness of the weather; I was better fitted by my conformation for
the endurance of cold than heat. But my chief delights were the
sight of the flowers, the birds, and all the gay apparel of summer;
when those deserted me, I turned with more attention towards the
cottagers. Their happiness was not decreased by the absence of
summer. They loved, and sympathised with one another; and their
joys, depending on each other, were not interrupted by the
casualties that took place around them. The more I saw of them, the
greater became my desire to claim their protection and kindness; my
heart yearned to be known and loved by these amiable creatures: to
see their sweet looks directed towards me with affection was the
utmost limit of my ambition. I dared not think that they would turn
them from me with disdain and horror. The poor that stopped at their
door were never driven away. I asked, it is true, for greater
treasures than a little food or rest: I required kindness and
sympathy; but I did not believe myself utterly unworthy of it.
"The winter advanced, and an entire revolution of the
seasons had taken place since I awoke into life. My attention, at
this time, was solely directed towards my plan of introducing myself
into the cottage of my protectors. I revolved many projects; but
that on which I finally fixed was, to enter the dwelling when the
blind old man should be alone. I had sagacity enough to discover
that the unnatural hideousness of my person was the chief object of
horror with those who had formerly beheld me. My voice, although
harsh, had nothing terrible in it; I thought, therefore, that if, in
the absence of his children, I could gain the good-will and
mediation of the old De Lacey, I might, by his means, be tolerated
by my younger protectors.
"One day, when the sun shone on
the red leaves that strewed the ground, and diffused cheerfulness,
although it denied warmth, Safie, Agatha, and Felix departed on a
long country walk, and the old man, at his own desire, was left
alone in the cottage. When his children had departed, he took up his
guitar, and played several mournful but sweet airs, more sweet and
mournful than I had ever heard him play before. At first his
countenance was illuminated with pleasure, but, as he continued,
thoughtfulness and sadness succeeded; at length, laying aside the
instrument, he sat absorbed in reflection.
"My heart beat
quick; this was the hour and moment of trial which would decide my
hopes or realise my fears. The servants were gone to a neighbouring
fair. All was silent in and around the cottage: it was an excellent
opportunity; yet, when I proceeded to execute my plan, my limbs
failed me, and I sank to the ground. Again I rose; and, exerting all
the firmness of which I was master, removed the planks which I had
placed before my hovel to conceal my retreat. The fresh air revived
me, and, with renewed determination, I approached the door of their
cottage.
"I knocked. `Who is there?' said the old man--`Come
in.'
"I entered; `Pardon this intrusion,' said I: `I am a
traveller in want of a little rest; you would greatly oblige me if
you would allow me to remain a few minutes before the fire.'
"`Enter,' said De Lacey; `and I will try in what manner I
can relieve your wants; but, unfortunately, my children are from
home, and, as I am blind, I am afraid I shall find it difficult to
procure food for you.'
"`Do not trouble yourself, my kind
host, I have food; it is warmth and rest only that I need.'
"I sat down, and a silence ensued. I knew that every minute
was precious to me, yet I remained irresolute in what manner to
commence the interview; when the old man addressed me--
"`By
your language, stranger, I suppose you are my countryman;--are you
French?'
"`No; but I was educated by a French family, and
understand that language only. I am now going to claim the
protection of some friends, whom I sincerely love, and of whose
favour I have some hopes.'
"`Are they Germans?'
"`No, they are French. But let us change the subject. I am
an unfortunate and deserted creature; I look around, and I have no
relation or friend upon earth. These amiable people to whom I go
have never seen me, and know little of me. I am full of fears; for
if I fail there, I am an outcast in the world for ever.'
"`Do
not despair. To be friendless is indeed to be unfortunate; but the
hearts of men, when unprejudiced by any obvious self interest, are
full of brotherly love and charity. Rely, therefore, on your hopes;
and if these friends are good and amiable, do not despair.'
"`They are kind--they are the most excellent creatures in
the world; but, unfortunately, they are prejudiced against me. I
have good dispositions; my life has been hitherto harmless, and in
some degree beneficial; but a fatal prejudice clouds their eyes, and
where they ought to see a feeling and kind friend, they behold only
a detestable monster.'
"`That is indeed unfortunate; but if
you are really blameless, cannot you undeceive them?' "`I am about
to undertake that task; and it is on that account that I feel so
many overwhelming terrors. I tenderly love these friends; I have,
unknown to them, been for many months in the habits of daily
kindness towards them; but they believe that I wish to injure them,
and it is that prejudice which I wish to overcome.'
"`Where
do these friends reside?'
"`Near this spot.'
"The old man paused, and then continued, `If you will
unreservedly confide to me the particulars of your tale, I perhaps
may be of use in undeceiving them. I am blind, and cannot judge of
your countenance, but there is something in your words which
persuades me that you are sincere. I am poor, and an exile; but it
will afford me true pleasure to be in any way serviceable to a human
creature."
"`Excellent man! I thank you, and accept your
generous offer. You raise me from the dust by this kindness; and I
trust that, by your aid, I shall not be driven from the society and
sympathy of your fellow-creatures.'
"`Heaven forbid! even if
you were really criminal; for that can only drive you to
desperation, and not instigate you to virtue. I also am unfortunate;
I and my family have been condemned, although innocent: judge,
therefore, if I do not feel for your misfortunes.'
"`How can
I thank you, my best and only benefactor? From your lips first have
I heard the voice of kindness directed towards me; I shall be for
ever grateful; and your present humanity assures me of success with
those friends whom I am on the point of meeting.'
"`May I
know the names and residence of those friends?'
"I paused.
This, I thought, was the moment of decision, which was to rob me of,
or bestow happiness on me for ever. I struggled vainly for firmness
sufficient to answer him, but the effort destroyed all my remaining
strength; I sank on the chair, and sobbed aloud. At that moment I
heard the steps of my younger protectors. I had not a moment to
lose; but, seizing the hand of the old man, I cried, `Now is the
time!--save and protect me! You and your family are the friends whom
I seek. Do not you desert me in the hour of trial!'
"Great
God!' exclaimed the old man, `who are you?'
"At that instant
the cottage door was opened, and Felix, Safie, and Agatha entered.
Who can describe their horror and consternation on beholding me?
Agatha fainted; and Safie, unable to attend to her friend, rushed
out of the cottage. Felix darted forward, and with supernatural
force tore me from his father, to whose knees I clung: in a
transport of fury, he dashed me to the ground and struck me
violently with a stick. I could have torn him limb from limb, as the
lion rends the antelope. But my heart sunk within me as with bitter
sickness, and I refrained. I saw him on the point of repeating his
blow, when, overcome by pain and anguish, I quitted the cottage and
in the general tumult escaped unperceived to my hovel.
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